Sunday, September 14, 2008

These Boots Were Made For Leggin'

This past summer, I visited the local Swap Meet. While in years past this locale was an excellent vending ground for just about anything you'd ever need, these days it consists of mostly overpriced electronics, merchants who have thousands upon thousands of salsa CD's, and a moonbounce with Mr. Incredible on the front, positioned so that it appears that the kids are jumping around in his ass. Fortunately, an eagle-eyed shopper can find something of worth with enough determination, and this particular trip netted me a nice set of chopsticks, some inexpensive Xbox games, and a few TMNT figures. None of these items, however, could hold a candle to these:

Now, I'm not a collector of bootlegged action figures in general. By buying these shoddily made chunks of cheap plastic, you are only encouraging the criminals in continuing their seedy enterprise. However, I am also a TMNT fan, and finally finding a bootleg figure set at one of these things with a Turtle figure in it was something I had yearned for for quite some time. I had to have this set. Other than a couple of spottily painted parachuting Turtles I had found at a Goodwill, I had never owned any bootleg figures previously. I recall when the TMNT figures were still in their infancy back in the late '80's, I saw some bootleg figures at a discount store that were going for $3 or so. I do not recall much about them, other than I believe their weapons and/or names were mixed between the four Turtles, and the weapons were black. Other than that, they looked more or less like the real deal. However, my mother refused to buy them for me, as they were "not the real Turtles". Oh, woe.

Anyway, excuse my tangent, let's take a look at these figures, shall we?


First off, let's take a look at Fighting Gear Raphael and The Thing. Raph comes with a multi-pronged sai (which is almost unrecognizable in these photos, due to my crappy camerawork) and a chestplate. This is literally the complete extent of his armour. Unlike the real Fighting Gear Raph, there are no shin and forearm guards, nor a helmet. Also notice that his belt is green, and his wrist, elbow, and knee pads are red. He also does not have a tail to his headband.

The Thing is a disturbingly peculiar creature. Although his head is as craggy as one would expect from an action figure of The Thing, the rest of his body is set smooth, like a normal human's. It is my theory that his body was supposed to be that of The Hulk's, or that it was originally used in a Hulk bootleg figure. Also, instead of being orange, his skin is sort of a peach-ish, like a typical Caucasian's. The sculpting on Thing has to be the worst of the bunch, as his waist is slightly off-center, and there is about a millimeter of plastic on the inside of his left calf that protrudes down further than the rest of his leg. His left foot is also loose.

Interestingly enough, There was a flap on the figure set's package (which I will show you shortly), right over Brandon Routh's head, where a potential customer could press a button on the back of Raphael's shell. There is a little dot on his plastron, which I assume would be a light. Only it didn't work. I figured perhaps that the batteries were dead, that someone had played with it too much prior to the toy's purchase. However, after using a screwdriver to dismantle his shell, I found that there is no mechanism inside that would allow such a thing to occur. There is literally no connection between the button and the light. If someone were to add an extra action feature to a knockoff figure, you would think they would at least put some sort of device inside that would actually make it work. Nevermind the fact that if Raph's armour were on, the light would be useless anyway...

Both Raph and Thing come with these retarded little whatever-the-Hell-they-ares. They look like they are supposed to be POGs at first glance, but they're made from such thin material... I'm not an artsy kind of guy, so I don't know exactly what it is. They're not made of cardboard; the material is even thinner than a paper grocery sack. I recall finding some bootleg Dragon Ball figures at a Dollar Store that had the same kind of items. Anyway, Raph's has the four Turtles with the 2003 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles logo, while Thing's is just the number four.



Now come the Spider-Men. The standard Spider-Man is literally impossible to get to stand under his own power despite being the exact same sculpt as the Symbiote one. I had to lean him up against Thing to take these photos. In any case, standard Spider-Man has these detachable rubber suction cup-like items, only they aren't suction cups. They are made of a thin yet durable rubber, and are impossible to stick to anything in any matter. He also comes with a big red web that is made of the same material. Symbiote Spider-Man comes with a triple-barreled crossbow (which I didn't realize until it was too late, that it is not possible to make it out from these photos). It doesn't do anything other than clip to his wrist. There is also another thin little paper object, this one of a blue-and-yellow spider monster with the words "Man-Spider" printed beneath it. It is not round like the other ones.





The final figure in this horror show is Superman. Superman has to be the worst of the bunch, and of course, that's saying a lot. Superman obviously has a Batman sculpted body, and worse yet, he looks like he's trying to take a squat right there in front of God and everybody. Everything about his body looks like it belongs to Batman, from the spikes on the gloves to the cuts in his cape. Only the head, colours, and that crappily painted backwards "S" on his chest would tell you that it is a Superman figure. Oddly enough, Superman also does not come with any accessories - not even a shitty little paper emblem.




The package is your standard "throw on as many characters the kids like as you can with random Engrish". I find it funny that all four of the TMNT are presented on the card's front, but all of the other franchises only have one character. I honestly would not have opened this package if it wasn't for the fact that it was already a quarter of the way off when I bought it. Actually, all of the ones they had there with Raph were like this, and some of the ones without him were in worse condition. I paid $7 for this pack, instead of $8 like the tag says. I tried to talk the merchant down to $5 because it was already open, but $7 was as low as she was going to go. I still feel like I got screwed considering the fact that the open package could have been a catalyst to deliver Avian Influenza, or Rocking Pnemonia, or The Clap, or whatever the popular biological weapon is these days for unloading on unsuspecting parents that think they're buying the kids the real thing, or dweebs like me that know they're buying a bootleg but don't care. It is late and I am quite sleepy, so I will let the photos do the talking for me.

















Hey kids! Can you tell which one is the real figure, and which is the fake?



Shredder-Raph's evil was outclassed by the evil of Dangerous-Amounts-of-Lead-Based-Paint-Raph.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Why Capcom Needs To Release Street Fighter IV on the Wii

Okay, granted, I'm not the #1 fan of Capcom's latest entry to the Street Fighter series (there's quite the laundry list of things that bug me about SFIV), but seeing as how I'm a hardcore fighting game fan, I'm willing to give it a chance. However, considering I do not have a high-powered PC, nor an Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, and given the dying breed that is the North American arcade, this is not going to be an easy task.



Back when Street Fighter IV was first announced, the game's producer, Yoshinori Ono, stated in countless interviews that he would like to see the game release on as many platforms as possible. Using an intricate analogy, Ono specifically stated that the Wii was a viable console for Street Fighter IV:

"Street Fighter IV, as it stands now, would be well-suited for the higher-level platforms. But the game doesn't have to have these visuals in order to be fun. We could go, potentially, to the Wii. We could make it on Game Boy, for all we know right now. As long as the rules are the same, that can be independent of the visuals. So we're not going to be limited by any hardware specs; we're going to aim as wide as possible. You could have a gold-inlaid board, knights with diamonds in their eyes. Or you could just draw a grid on a piece of paper and use cheap plastic pieces. And you're having the same amount of fun."

Although the Game Boy option was probably just to further his example, many took his mentioning of a Wii version to heart - even more so than a casually mentioned PlayStation 2 version in another interview. After all, aside from the Virtual Console, there has not been a Street Fighter game released on a Nintendo home console since Super Street Fighter II on the Super NES back in 1994. Every major home console released since then, that was not Nintendo-branded, had some sort of release of Street Fighter; Hell, there was even one in development for the Mattel Hyper Scan! Despite Capcom's fondness for porting PlayStation games to the Nintendo 64 (Resident Evil 2, MegaMan Legends), not one Capcom versus fighter was released for that console. The closest thing Nintendo console gamers have gotten since SSFII was Capcom Vs. SNK 2 EO on the Gamecube, which was a crossover game, not a proper entry to the Street Fighter series.

So imagine the disappointment when Ono's words were diffused upon Capcom's announcement of the game's release only on systems that are more powerful than Jesus with a hand grenade. Why go through that entire analogy if nothing is to come of it?

Fortunately, with the advent of Capcom porting games to the Wii from all over the place (Resident Evil 4, Okami, Dead Rising), there may be hope. However, since this was the exact practice that was taking place back in the N64 days, I would not hold my breath....

Please, Capcom, just make Street Fighter IV on the Wii. There is an army of people just waiting to give you money for it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sorry....

I know, I know, I promised a real content update soon, as opposed to widgets. I fully had the intent to do so, but I've had other things that has otherwise occupied my time. Besides, who the heck am I apologizing to? Nobody ever reads this rubbish! I could say anything I want right now and nobody would care to say anything about it.

Meh... I'm just going to go to bed.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

TO ARMS, FOLKS!



I'll have some real content soon, I promise!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Everyone I know goes away, in the end



Last night, a very good friend of mine, one that I considered family, passed away.

Tasha Marie Bourne, better known as "Tomb", has left this world. Her heart stopped suddenly following a tough and rigorous battle with lymphoma. An orphan at age 12, Tasha never really had anyone to turn to. She saw me as her mentor and father figure.

Tasha... your time here on Earth mattered. You've touched my life as well as the lives of many others. I just... I just wish that someone as young as you didn't have to leave us.

Gods... am I even forming complete sentences? It's hard to concentrate...

May angels lead you in, Tasha.

"And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing for you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big...
God wouldn't let it live"

Monday, June 23, 2008

Semper fi, George

An e-mail from a co-worker this morning (a hardcore fan of the man) has alerted me that legendary comedian and actor, George Carlin, has died. Blew my mind completely. This was definitely not the best way to start the week.

George Denis Patrick Carlin
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What I'm Listening To: Lithium

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Ohhhhh woahhh
But God, I want to let it go

Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Ohhhhh ohhh

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me

Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside
Lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without
Lithium
Stay in love with me
Ohhh ohhhhh
I'm gonna let it go

I feel all a Twitter!

So my friend Onnawufei introduced me to this thing called Twitter. It's over on the right side of The Sanctuary, now. It's like a mini-blog that can be updated on the fly, for times when I want to update but don't have time. Don't expect anything particularly interesting, however.

Oh, and by the way, I'm aware of how cheesy/corny/gay the title of this entry is. I haven't had enough coffee yet to get my pun mechanisms churning, all right?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Pika Pika!

So I'm looking through the parcels that have been delivered to me, and I come upon a small package, only a few inches in diameter. As I do not recall ordering anything of this size, I immediately suspect it was shipped in err, or that it is some sort of method of my destruction. Wearily, I open the box, ready for anthrax, a bomb - just ready for anything.

Imagine my surprise when this was the face staring at me:



Knowing I hadn't ordered this adorable little mouse, I was still nonplussed. It was only after reading the accompanying slip that was inside the box, that I was able to understand that I had won third place in a contest sponsored by Armour brand meats that I had entered months ago and promptly forgotten about.

Needless to say, I was suprised. This was the second time within a month I had won a toy of some sort (the other one will be published in an upcoming entry), when usually my luck with winning anything is slim to none, and slim's left town. Could this herald a change in my fortune, or is it just random.

Monday, May 12, 2008

REVIEW: The Simpsons Episode #419: Mona Leaves-a

I have been a huge fan of The Simpsons since its first season, although I do not recall if the first post-Tracey Ulman show episode, Simpsons Roasting On an Open Fire, was the initial episode I had viewed. Even after many fans have abandoned the series, I have continued to attentively watch every and every episode multiple times.

This past Sunday's episode was a bittersweet addition to the series' canon (or what can pass as canon); the return of Mona Simpson, mother of Homer - and her subsequent death. Yes, The Simpsons still proves it's as ballsy as every, by killing a main character's mother on Mother's Day.

The story opens at Springfield Mall, where after Marge tricks Bart and Lisa into becoming the recipients of incredibly uncomfortable sweaters. Bart, Homer, and Lisa pressure Marge into going to three separate locales within the mall before leaving, but Marge decides to do something Maggie would like: go to the "Stuff and Hug", a thinly veiled parody of the "Build-A-Bear Workshop" franchise. Following an adventure in which Bart angers Homer by recording rude taunts onto talking plush hippopotamuses, the family returns home to find their front door open.

Equipping "The Defender" (a makeshift weapon made from a chain and a cinder block), Homer attempts to get the drop on the burglar... until the smell of apple pie piques his interest, and he realizes the intruder is his own mother.

Mona attempts to reconcile with her son, but Homer declines her gesture of goodwill, hurt after the decades of her absence. When he decides to make amends, it is unfortunately too late; Mona has passed away. The scene in which Homer discovers that she has died is possibly the most sad and touching moment in Simpsons history.

Mona's funeral is attended by Seth and Munchie, the hippies from "Do'h-in in the Wind", and an elderly man of whom I did not catch but a glimpse. Abe delivers one of the better lines of the episode, in which he indicates he had always planned to dance upon his estranged wife's grave, but does not feel the urge to do so any longer.

Unfortunately, this is where the episode begins to dip in quality. Upon viewing her video will, the family is left with specific possessions: Bart gets a Swiss Army Knife, Lisa is given the intangible gift of her grandmother's rebellious spirit, and Marge is left a hemp handbag. Homer, however, is charged with the task of spreading his mother's ashes upon a specific mountain at a specific date and time. Upon doing so, her ashes clog the launch mechanism within the mountain, which is to launch a missile Mr. Burns is planning to aim at the Amazon Rainforest. To Homer's dismay, Mona had recruited him to help her pull "one last hippie mission". Homer is captured by Burns' guards, but the family uses the gifts Mona left behind to help him escape (Lisa uses the rebellious spirit, presumably, to swipe a diamond earring of Mona's that was left behind on a nightstand - which is also used in this rescue mission).

Following his escape, Homer comes to terms with Mona, and a montage of scenes involving her plays to the song "Mother and Child Reunion" by Paul Simon - a song which deals with a mother and her child, separated by death, who hope to be reunited in the afterlife.

Despite its lulls in storytelling and humor, Mona Leaves-a handled the death of a character much better than season eleven's "Alone Again, Natura-Diddly", which, although was a more humorous episode than this one, was very tepid in the manner of Maude Flanders' death. Mona Leaves-a also gives us two very genuinely touching moments - Homer's realization of his mother's passing, as well as the ending montage. Serious, sad moments are more common in Groening's other series, Futurama, so their inclusion in The Simpsons was a pleasant surprise.

Strangely enough, as of this writing, Mona Leaves-a is the Simpsons episode with the lowest viewership ratings - despite it being one of the best of the season.

Final Verdict: B-