TMNT For Dummies 2: Vintage '87

For many, uttering the words "Ninja Turtles" will immediately conjure up memories of the 1987-1996 cartoon series produced by Murakami-Wolf Swenson (MWS) Films. And with good reason - this was the gateway to the Turtles for nearly everyone on the planet who are currently over ten years old - including myself. I have warm feelings for the old cartoon - if it weren't for that series, there's a chance I would not know who the Turtles are today.

But there lies a problem; for a majority of those who have ever called themselves fans of the TMNT, the MWS series (and likely the movies, video games, and toys released during its heyday) is/are all these folks are familiar with.

And there is a vast world outside this.

By today's standards, the old show is corny, cheesy, poorly animated (including with several dozen animation errors per season), and overall, kind of lame-ish. Now this is by today's standards. True, there is a lot of crap out there these days, but I'm pretty sure if the world were introduced to the Turtles through this series, this year, there'd be little chance of it surviving more than a season. Heck, I think we were lucky to get 7 seasons out of the 4Kids series.

But what really broils my briskets, are those people who refuse to see anything outside of this series and immediately poo-poo everything else. The most irritating of such are these kind of people:

(Person sees an Utrom) "Hey, that's Krang!"
(Person sees the Utrominator) "That's like some crappy rip-off of Krang!"
(Person sees Ch'rell, the Utrom Shredder) "Why is Krang, Shredder?"


The Utroms have been around since 1985 - two whole years prior to Krang. Krang, in fact, was partially inspired by the Utroms. However, other than a fleeting similarity in appearance, and the fact that they spend much of their time in the gut of an android, Krang and the Utroms are wholly different.

The Utroms, also known as the "TCRI Aliens", are a race of tentacled aliens that crash-landed on Earth long ago. A byproduct of their experiments resulted in the Retromutagen Ooze that mutated the Turtles and Leatherhead. On the whole, the Utroms are allies of the Turtles, as well as Leatherhead, who was adopted by the aliens. There are a few "bad eggs", however, such as a The Illuminated and the Utrom Preservi, as well as the Utrom Shredder from the 4Kids cartoon, Ch'rell.



The warlord Krang, however, lacks the extensive amount of tentacles that the Utroms have, and relies on just two of them, which are normally used to control and manipulate objects. Krang is also a disembodied brain, having been banished from his body and his home of Dimension X on the charge of war crimes. Being an actual brain, he actually looks more brain-like than the Utroms, who actually sort of resemble cephalopods in a way, as well. Krang is also a wee bit larger and heavier than his predecessors.


The most recent rash of Utrom/Krang buggery comes from the upcoming Wii (and according to some sources, PlayStation 2) game, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Smash-Up. The game includes a playable character called the Utrominator. Message boards and blogs across the internet accused this character of simply being an inferior version of Krang (although their choices of words were a bit more... colorful....), when in fact, the Utrominator is an upgraded version of Krang's predecessor. In the 2005 episode of the 4Kids series, Donatello is thrown into an alternate future where The Shredder rules supreme. Amongst his legions are brainwashed, and apparently undead, Utroms - some of which are in large mecha-like exoskeletons, which were named as Utrominators on 4Kids' website. Although it does not appear to be zombie-like in appearance as its animated counterpart is, nor is it known whether he is affiliated with Shredder or comes from the aforementioned dystopian future, Smash-Up's Utrominator is obviously drawn from this episode.

Another repetitive theme from these individuals, is the apparent need to have the MWS characters crammed into every aspect of the Turtles. As mentioned before, if these characters or themes are absent in some facet of the TMNT, they are looked down upon. The TMNT franchise has many interesting tales regardless of if they have these things or not, and should not be so easily dismissed simply because of such. I have read and heard countless times about how supposed fans of the series think 4Kids' show is "crap" because Bebop, Rocksteady, and Krang are not found in it. A co-worker of mine refused to accept the original Mirage version of Leatherhead as said character, simply because he was not the gumbo-eating stereotype he had seen in his youth. Smash-Up is being boycotted by many unless some of these characters are present. An online journalist claimed that Shredder's appearance on the title screen of Turtles in Time Re-Shelled (which I'll get to in a minute) is "how he is supposed to be". These are all accusations and meanderings of a society that is viewing a piece of their childhood through rose-tinted glasses, and now that said glasses have been taken from them, they are whining for them back.

Perhaps the most bizarre of these slanderings was the vast number of people who refused to see the fourth TMNT film because it "wouldn't be any good if Bebop/Rocksteady/Krang were not in it" - despite the fact that every single one of them had admitted to liking at least two out of the three previous films, none of which had either of these three characters in them!

Alas, there are items being released this year that are catered to the fans of the TMNT cartoon of the previous millennium. Playmates is periodically re-releasing twelve figures that were initially shipped back in the '80's and early '90's. Ubisoft is developing a 3D remake of the much-loved classic video game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time for the Xbox 360's "LIVE" service, and PlayStation 3's "Network", given the additional sub-title of "Re-Shelled". And later this year, 4Kids is to show off a new, direct-to-DVD animated film, which will feature the Turtles of the MWS series meeting their own incarnations of the Turtles, and it's been thus far confirmed that Bebop, Rocksteady, and the MWS versions of Splinter, April, and the Foot Soldiers will accompany them. The animation for these characters looks exactly like it did 20+ years ago, too, albeit a tad bit cleaner. Unfortunately, these characters seem to not have their original voice actors, which is already turning many away from what may end up being a stupendous project.


Reading through the above paragraphs, you may come to the conclusion that I in some way despise the MWS series, despite my earlier objection to such. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I hated the series even today, I would not be excited for this direct-to-DVD project or Turtles in Time Re-Shelled. I would not have purchased oodles of the merchandising even as recently as last month. I would not have pre-ordered all four individual discs of the MWS series' seventh season, which released last month. My concern is that since there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people claiming to be TMNT fans that are steadfast in their belief that the old cartoon/toys/movies/games are the only way to go when it comes to the Turtles, the newer (and in the case of the Mirage comics, older) stuff is losing out on a huge audience that could possibly push it forward into the next decade. As it is, the Tales of the TMNT comic may be dropped within the next year, and despite promises of Playmates delivering a wealth of new figures during the second half of their silver anniversary, many stores are dropping the line from their shelves.

My primary reason for these "TMNT For Dummies" posts, is to educate. I may come off a little snippy or heated about it from time-to-time, but that's because I'm so passionate about it. Stick around, and I'll touch another aspect of the Turtles that you may be unfamiliar with.

TMNT For Dummies - Part 1: Forever Red

After reading countless blogs and websites outside of the normal scope of TMNT related ones, it has dawned on me that on the whole, the Murakami Wolf-Swenson (MWS) animated series and the three movies produced during its run, are the only incarnations of the Turtles most people are familiar with. Despite going through multiple incarnations in the past 25 years, and with the advent of this magical thing called the "internet", people by and large seem to be woefully unaware of some of the finer points of the Turtles' rich history.

First off, I think it's kind of despicable that people are still asking the same stupid question about why a Turtle that isn't Raphael has (or why all four Turtles have) red bandannas. This should be a moot point by now. The Turtles have had red headbands since the beginning, and it was only when the MWS series started in '87 that they were seen wearing ones of different colors. Nearly every comic published by Mirage has had them wearing red, and that totals up to at least over 500 comics, I'm sure. You would think that these individuals would have seen at least one of these comics. For cryin' out loud, they all wore red on the cover of the first TMNT home console game, which every Turtles fan born before this millennium has to have seen or played (in fact, this cover is even cribbed from a cover of the Mirage comics).



Seriously, does that image not ring a bell with everybody and their mothers? Even if by some magically bizarre event someone who likes TMNT has not seen this before, the answer is literally at one's fingertips. Typing the obvious into one's internet browser, http://www.ninjaturtles.com , and maybe making a few stray clicks here and there will undoubtedly yield red bandanna wearing Turtles and/or an explanation for said phenomenon. Or there's this website called "Google" where you can find almost anything. It's an amazing tool that I use all the time. Hell, I'll get y'all started! http://lmgtfy.com/?q=red+bandanna+tmnt

Lookit that! Second result! Or if you want to actually ASK Google:

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=why+do+the+ninja+turtles+have+red+bandannas%3F

Second result there too! Amazing! In fact, this result is on WikiAnswers, which is a good place to ask this kind of stuff to begin with!

Maybe part of the reason I'm steamed is because despite this being the "digital age" where information is so easily accessible, people are still too lazy to look anything up. They spend 16 hours a day playing World of Warcraft or surfing porn, but tl;dr through a paragraph of three sentences in length. Or maybe it's because of ding-a-lings like this:

Me: Hope I did Leo justice. Oh, and if you have to ask why he's wearing red, you automatically fail.
Nitwit: You mean Raphael right? Leonarod [sic] is the one with the blue bandanna.

Maybe this dude tl;dr'd my modest length descriptor of the image of Leonardo that I was referring to (which is honestly shorter than most classified ads). While he didn't out-and-out ask why he's wearing red (thus technically has slipped through a loophole in this), he still automatically fails for A) not reading what I had written, and B) not doing the research.

Let me make this loud, and let me make this clear.

All four members of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear red bandannas in the original Mirage Comics in which all other media is loosely based on. It has been this way since May of 1984.

Anyway, it's wayyyy later than I wanted to stay up, so I'm going to "To be Continued" this mutha 'ucka and go to bed. Peace.

EDIT: Okay, so this didn't click until the following day, since I was really flippin' tired when finishing this off, but the Turtles didn't actually appear on a cover in red until issue 5, in October of '85. I'm kind of certain they had to have appeared wearing red in some capacity prior to that, but I've not any evidence at this second. W'ever... they still have been wearing red for over two decades and ostensibly longer than most people who are unaware of the Turtles' doing of such have been alive.

These Boots Were Made For Leggin'

This past summer, I visited the local Swap Meet. While in years past this locale was an excellent vending ground for just about anything you'd ever need, these days it consists of mostly overpriced electronics, merchants who have thousands upon thousands of salsa CD's, and a moonbounce with Mr. Incredible on the front, positioned so that it appears that the kids are jumping around in his ass. Fortunately, an eagle-eyed shopper can find something of worth with enough determination, and this particular trip netted me a nice set of chopsticks, some inexpensive Xbox games, and a few TMNT figures. None of these items, however, could hold a candle to these:

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Now, I'm not a collector of bootlegged action figures in general. By buying these shoddily made chunks of cheap plastic, you are only encouraging the criminals in continuing their seedy enterprise. However, I am also a TMNT fan, and finally finding a bootleg figure set at one of these things with a Turtle figure in it was something I had yearned for for quite some time. I had to have this set. Other than a couple of spottily painted parachuting Turtles I had found at a Goodwill, I had never owned any bootleg figures previously. I recall when the TMNT figures were still in their infancy back in the late '80's, I saw some bootleg figures at a discount store that were going for $3 or so. I do not recall much about them, other than I believe their weapons and/or names were mixed between the four Turtles, and the weapons were black. Other than that, they looked more or less like the real deal. However, my mother refused to buy them for me, as they were "not the real Turtles". Oh, woe.

Anyway, excuse my tangent, let's take a look at these figures, shall we?


First off, let's take a look at Fighting Gear Raphael and The Thing. Raph comes with a multi-pronged sai (which is almost unrecognizable in these photos, due to my crappy camerawork) and a chestplate. This is literally the complete extent of his armour. Unlike the real Fighting Gear Raph, there are no shin and forearm guards, nor a helmet. Also notice that his belt is green, and his wrist, elbow, and knee pads are red. He also does not have a tail to his headband.

The Thing is a disturbingly peculiar creature. Although his head is as craggy as one would expect from an action figure of The Thing, the rest of his body is set smooth, like a normal human's. It is my theory that his body was supposed to be that of The Hulk's, or that it was originally used in a Hulk bootleg figure. Also, instead of being orange, his skin is sort of a peach-ish, like a typical Caucasian's. The sculpting on Thing has to be the worst of the bunch, as his waist is slightly off-center, and there is about a millimeter of plastic on the inside of his left calf that protrudes down further than the rest of his leg. His left foot is also loose.

Interestingly enough, There was a flap on the figure set's package (which I will show you shortly), right over Brandon Routh's head, where a potential customer could press a button on the back of Raphael's shell. There is a little dot on his plastron, which I assume would be a light. Only it didn't work. I figured perhaps that the batteries were dead, that someone had played with it too much prior to the toy's purchase. However, after using a screwdriver to dismantle his shell, I found that there is no mechanism inside that would allow such a thing to occur. There is literally no connection between the button and the light. If someone were to add an extra action feature to a knockoff figure, you would think they would at least put some sort of device inside that would actually make it work. Nevermind the fact that if Raph's armour were on, the light would be useless anyway...

Both Raph and Thing come with these retarded little whatever-the-Hell-they-ares. They look like they are supposed to be POGs at first glance, but they're made from such thin material... I'm not an artsy kind of guy, so I don't know exactly what it is. They're not made of cardboard; the material is even thinner than a paper grocery sack. I recall finding some bootleg Dragon Ball figures at a Dollar Store that had the same kind of items. Anyway, Raph's has the four Turtles with the 2003 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles logo, while Thing's is just the number four.



Now come the Spider-Men. The standard Spider-Man is literally impossible to get to stand under his own power despite being the exact same sculpt as the Symbiote one. I had to lean him up against Thing to take these photos. In any case, standard Spider-Man has these detachable rubber suction cup-like items, only they aren't suction cups. They are made of a thin yet durable rubber, and are impossible to stick to anything in any matter. He also comes with a big red web that is made of the same material. Symbiote Spider-Man comes with a triple-barreled crossbow (which I didn't realize until it was too late, that it is not possible to make it out from these photos). It doesn't do anything other than clip to his wrist. There is also another thin little paper object, this one of a blue-and-yellow spider monster with the words "Man-Spider" printed beneath it. It is not round like the other ones.





The final figure in this horror show is Superman. Superman has to be the worst of the bunch, and of course, that's saying a lot. Superman obviously has a Batman sculpted body, and worse yet, he looks like he's trying to take a squat right there in front of God and everybody. Everything about his body looks like it belongs to Batman, from the spikes on the gloves to the cuts in his cape. Only the head, colours, and that crappily painted backwards "S" on his chest would tell you that it is a Superman figure. Oddly enough, Superman also does not come with any accessories - not even a shitty little paper emblem.




The package is your standard "throw on as many characters the kids like as you can with random Engrish". I find it funny that all four of the TMNT are presented on the card's front, but all of the other franchises only have one character. I honestly would not have opened this package if it wasn't for the fact that it was already a quarter of the way off when I bought it. Actually, all of the ones they had there with Raph were like this, and some of the ones without him were in worse condition. I paid $7 for this pack, instead of $8 like the tag says. I tried to talk the merchant down to $5 because it was already open, but $7 was as low as she was going to go. I still feel like I got screwed considering the fact that the open package could have been a catalyst to deliver Avian Influenza, or Rocking Pnemonia, or The Clap, or whatever the popular biological weapon is these days for unloading on unsuspecting parents that think they're buying the kids the real thing, or dweebs like me that know they're buying a bootleg but don't care. It is late and I am quite sleepy, so I will let the photos do the talking for me.

















Hey kids! Can you tell which one is the real figure, and which is the fake?



Shredder-Raph's evil was outclassed by the evil of Dangerous-Amounts-of-Lead-Based-Paint-Raph.