TMNT For Dummies 2: Vintage '87

For many, uttering the words "Ninja Turtles" will immediately conjure up memories of the 1987-1996 cartoon series produced by Murakami-Wolf Swenson (MWS) Films. And with good reason - this was the gateway to the Turtles for nearly everyone on the planet who are currently over ten years old - including myself. I have warm feelings for the old cartoon - if it weren't for that series, there's a chance I would not know who the Turtles are today.

But there lies a problem; for a majority of those who have ever called themselves fans of the TMNT, the MWS series (and likely the movies, video games, and toys released during its heyday) is/are all these folks are familiar with.

And there is a vast world outside this.

By today's standards, the old show is corny, cheesy, poorly animated (including with several dozen animation errors per season), and overall, kind of lame-ish. Now this is by today's standards. True, there is a lot of crap out there these days, but I'm pretty sure if the world were introduced to the Turtles through this series, this year, there'd be little chance of it surviving more than a season. Heck, I think we were lucky to get 7 seasons out of the 4Kids series.

But what really broils my briskets, are those people who refuse to see anything outside of this series and immediately poo-poo everything else. The most irritating of such are these kind of people:

(Person sees an Utrom) "Hey, that's Krang!"
(Person sees the Utrominator) "That's like some crappy rip-off of Krang!"
(Person sees Ch'rell, the Utrom Shredder) "Why is Krang, Shredder?"


The Utroms have been around since 1985 - two whole years prior to Krang. Krang, in fact, was partially inspired by the Utroms. However, other than a fleeting similarity in appearance, and the fact that they spend much of their time in the gut of an android, Krang and the Utroms are wholly different.

The Utroms, also known as the "TCRI Aliens", are a race of tentacled aliens that crash-landed on Earth long ago. A byproduct of their experiments resulted in the Retromutagen Ooze that mutated the Turtles and Leatherhead. On the whole, the Utroms are allies of the Turtles, as well as Leatherhead, who was adopted by the aliens. There are a few "bad eggs", however, such as a The Illuminated and the Utrom Preservi, as well as the Utrom Shredder from the 4Kids cartoon, Ch'rell.



The warlord Krang, however, lacks the extensive amount of tentacles that the Utroms have, and relies on just two of them, which are normally used to control and manipulate objects. Krang is also a disembodied brain, having been banished from his body and his home of Dimension X on the charge of war crimes. Being an actual brain, he actually looks more brain-like than the Utroms, who actually sort of resemble cephalopods in a way, as well. Krang is also a wee bit larger and heavier than his predecessors.


The most recent rash of Utrom/Krang buggery comes from the upcoming Wii (and according to some sources, PlayStation 2) game, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Smash-Up. The game includes a playable character called the Utrominator. Message boards and blogs across the internet accused this character of simply being an inferior version of Krang (although their choices of words were a bit more... colorful....), when in fact, the Utrominator is an upgraded version of Krang's predecessor. In the 2005 episode of the 4Kids series, Donatello is thrown into an alternate future where The Shredder rules supreme. Amongst his legions are brainwashed, and apparently undead, Utroms - some of which are in large mecha-like exoskeletons, which were named as Utrominators on 4Kids' website. Although it does not appear to be zombie-like in appearance as its animated counterpart is, nor is it known whether he is affiliated with Shredder or comes from the aforementioned dystopian future, Smash-Up's Utrominator is obviously drawn from this episode.

Another repetitive theme from these individuals, is the apparent need to have the MWS characters crammed into every aspect of the Turtles. As mentioned before, if these characters or themes are absent in some facet of the TMNT, they are looked down upon. The TMNT franchise has many interesting tales regardless of if they have these things or not, and should not be so easily dismissed simply because of such. I have read and heard countless times about how supposed fans of the series think 4Kids' show is "crap" because Bebop, Rocksteady, and Krang are not found in it. A co-worker of mine refused to accept the original Mirage version of Leatherhead as said character, simply because he was not the gumbo-eating stereotype he had seen in his youth. Smash-Up is being boycotted by many unless some of these characters are present. An online journalist claimed that Shredder's appearance on the title screen of Turtles in Time Re-Shelled (which I'll get to in a minute) is "how he is supposed to be". These are all accusations and meanderings of a society that is viewing a piece of their childhood through rose-tinted glasses, and now that said glasses have been taken from them, they are whining for them back.

Perhaps the most bizarre of these slanderings was the vast number of people who refused to see the fourth TMNT film because it "wouldn't be any good if Bebop/Rocksteady/Krang were not in it" - despite the fact that every single one of them had admitted to liking at least two out of the three previous films, none of which had either of these three characters in them!

Alas, there are items being released this year that are catered to the fans of the TMNT cartoon of the previous millennium. Playmates is periodically re-releasing twelve figures that were initially shipped back in the '80's and early '90's. Ubisoft is developing a 3D remake of the much-loved classic video game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time for the Xbox 360's "LIVE" service, and PlayStation 3's "Network", given the additional sub-title of "Re-Shelled". And later this year, 4Kids is to show off a new, direct-to-DVD animated film, which will feature the Turtles of the MWS series meeting their own incarnations of the Turtles, and it's been thus far confirmed that Bebop, Rocksteady, and the MWS versions of Splinter, April, and the Foot Soldiers will accompany them. The animation for these characters looks exactly like it did 20+ years ago, too, albeit a tad bit cleaner. Unfortunately, these characters seem to not have their original voice actors, which is already turning many away from what may end up being a stupendous project.


Reading through the above paragraphs, you may come to the conclusion that I in some way despise the MWS series, despite my earlier objection to such. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I hated the series even today, I would not be excited for this direct-to-DVD project or Turtles in Time Re-Shelled. I would not have purchased oodles of the merchandising even as recently as last month. I would not have pre-ordered all four individual discs of the MWS series' seventh season, which released last month. My concern is that since there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people claiming to be TMNT fans that are steadfast in their belief that the old cartoon/toys/movies/games are the only way to go when it comes to the Turtles, the newer (and in the case of the Mirage comics, older) stuff is losing out on a huge audience that could possibly push it forward into the next decade. As it is, the Tales of the TMNT comic may be dropped within the next year, and despite promises of Playmates delivering a wealth of new figures during the second half of their silver anniversary, many stores are dropping the line from their shelves.

My primary reason for these "TMNT For Dummies" posts, is to educate. I may come off a little snippy or heated about it from time-to-time, but that's because I'm so passionate about it. Stick around, and I'll touch another aspect of the Turtles that you may be unfamiliar with.

TMNT For Dummies - Part 1: Forever Red

After reading countless blogs and websites outside of the normal scope of TMNT related ones, it has dawned on me that on the whole, the Murakami Wolf-Swenson (MWS) animated series and the three movies produced during its run, are the only incarnations of the Turtles most people are familiar with. Despite going through multiple incarnations in the past 25 years, and with the advent of this magical thing called the "internet", people by and large seem to be woefully unaware of some of the finer points of the Turtles' rich history.

First off, I think it's kind of despicable that people are still asking the same stupid question about why a Turtle that isn't Raphael has (or why all four Turtles have) red bandannas. This should be a moot point by now. The Turtles have had red headbands since the beginning, and it was only when the MWS series started in '87 that they were seen wearing ones of different colors. Nearly every comic published by Mirage has had them wearing red, and that totals up to at least over 500 comics, I'm sure. You would think that these individuals would have seen at least one of these comics. For cryin' out loud, they all wore red on the cover of the first TMNT home console game, which every Turtles fan born before this millennium has to have seen or played (in fact, this cover is even cribbed from a cover of the Mirage comics).



Seriously, does that image not ring a bell with everybody and their mothers? Even if by some magically bizarre event someone who likes TMNT has not seen this before, the answer is literally at one's fingertips. Typing the obvious into one's internet browser, http://www.ninjaturtles.com , and maybe making a few stray clicks here and there will undoubtedly yield red bandanna wearing Turtles and/or an explanation for said phenomenon. Or there's this website called "Google" where you can find almost anything. It's an amazing tool that I use all the time. Hell, I'll get y'all started! http://lmgtfy.com/?q=red+bandanna+tmnt

Lookit that! Second result! Or if you want to actually ASK Google:

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=why+do+the+ninja+turtles+have+red+bandannas%3F

Second result there too! Amazing! In fact, this result is on WikiAnswers, which is a good place to ask this kind of stuff to begin with!

Maybe part of the reason I'm steamed is because despite this being the "digital age" where information is so easily accessible, people are still too lazy to look anything up. They spend 16 hours a day playing World of Warcraft or surfing porn, but tl;dr through a paragraph of three sentences in length. Or maybe it's because of ding-a-lings like this:

Me: Hope I did Leo justice. Oh, and if you have to ask why he's wearing red, you automatically fail.
Nitwit: You mean Raphael right? Leonarod [sic] is the one with the blue bandanna.

Maybe this dude tl;dr'd my modest length descriptor of the image of Leonardo that I was referring to (which is honestly shorter than most classified ads). While he didn't out-and-out ask why he's wearing red (thus technically has slipped through a loophole in this), he still automatically fails for A) not reading what I had written, and B) not doing the research.

Let me make this loud, and let me make this clear.

All four members of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wear red bandannas in the original Mirage Comics in which all other media is loosely based on. It has been this way since May of 1984.

Anyway, it's wayyyy later than I wanted to stay up, so I'm going to "To be Continued" this mutha 'ucka and go to bed. Peace.

EDIT: Okay, so this didn't click until the following day, since I was really flippin' tired when finishing this off, but the Turtles didn't actually appear on a cover in red until issue 5, in October of '85. I'm kind of certain they had to have appeared wearing red in some capacity prior to that, but I've not any evidence at this second. W'ever... they still have been wearing red for over two decades and ostensibly longer than most people who are unaware of the Turtles' doing of such have been alive.

The Passing of a Legend

Unfortunately, the slightly more light-hearted entry I had planned for today must be temporarily shelved.

Today, we mourn the loss of a talented actor, legendary martial artist, and a man I looked up to greatly, David Carradine. Carradine was found, apparently having committed suicide, strung up in a Bangkok hotel room closet.

Carradine was in Thailand shooting a movie, Stretch. Cast and crew members became worried when he failed to attend a dinner the previous night.

It is important not to focus right now on his reported cause of death, but rather, his legacy. Carradine, most well-known for his roles in the TV series Kung Fu and in the Kill Bill movies as the title character, was also an accomplished martial artist. Carradine's Tai Chi videos were my inspiration to take up the art, myself.

I am donating money to his family's fund later today. I suggest other readers respond in kind.

http://david-carradine.com/

Freakin' Sweet

To prove I'm not all doom and gloom, I've decided to start a counterpoint counterpart to the "What Really Grinds My Gears" segments. It's titled "Freakin' Sweet", and details things I like.

If you haven't realized how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan I am, you are obviously not paying close enough attention. Back in the late 1980's, my father worked a lot, and at bizarre hours. I vaguely remember those days, but I do recall that he'd sleep all day and I'd rarely see him. When we did spend time together, it was normally to watch martial arts films, particularly those of Bruce Lee.

So when I saw that there was this new cartoon coming on with ninja in it, that had anthropomorphic animals as the heroes, I was excited. While the fact was that the show ended up being more slapstick than hardcore grappling and bone breaks, this did not deter me from falling completely in love with this show.

As my father was rarely present during these years, I somehow found a surrogate father and male role model in this program; that of the Turtles' sensei and father, Master Splinter. A ninjutsu master transformed into a ratman by his arch-nemesis (at least in this continuity), Splinter was wise, honorable, compassionate, and overall, he kicked major gluteus maximus!

Since Splinter was ostensibly my father figure, I began to see his sons, the Turtles, as my brothers. This regard was helped by the fact that at this time, I had no siblings. Throughout my years, I began to see how viewing this madcap gang of mutants as a second family actually helped shape my personality: the wisdom of Splinter, leadership of Leonardo, technological affinity of Donatello, easygoing attitude of Michelangelo, and, although it rarely flares, the temper of Raphael. All traits that I can attribute to these Turtles and their adoptive father.

Other than introducing me to the world of martial arts that lead me to finding and growing fond of the Turtles, my father was also the catalyst of my massive TMNT action figure collection.

Sometime in 1989, my family went on vacation to visit friends. My mother had failed to pack any playthings to keep me occupied (I cannot recall just why this was), so she had my father stop at the local Fred Meyer and get a toy for me (amongst other things). My father, not quite knowing a lot about what I was into other than dinosaurs and Bruce Lee flicks, saw the word "ninja" on a toy, and thought I'd like it. When he returned to the car with this figure in hand, I swear I could see my own eyes light up.



Behold, Rock N' Roll Michaelangelo, my very first TMNT figure - the first of many (though this obviously is not a photo of my figure :p ). This figure is still in my collection to this very day, and although fairly common, old and playworn, it is still one of my most prized figures - compare it, I suppose, to Scrooge McDuck's lucky #1 dime.

The origins of the Turtles actually precede my own. As the legend goes, in 1983, to friends, Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman, sat around eating pizza and watching "bad tv". Eastman had sketched a squat, anthropomorphic turtle with an eyemask and nunchaku strapped to its forearms. The two of them decided to run with this concept, creating four such beings, and using a tax refund as well as a loan from Eastman's uncle, they self-published their first book, titled "Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles".

The comic was intended to be a one-shot issue, parodying popular comics of the day such as Daredevil and Frank Miller's Ronin. The comic, in contrast to the franchise's now-better known kid oriented material, was quite dark and gritty, a tale of revenge and murder with art that fit an underground comic. Eastman and Laird were surprised, however, when positive response for the comic was overwhelming - at least as much as possible for an independent book published with limited release and budget. Later that year the duo published a second issue, and from there, the series really took off. Before long, Eastman and Laird were discussing a cartoon show and action figures with Surge Licensing, and the rest is history. Well, this has all been history, but that's just a saying. Come to think of it, it's a very strange saying... bah... I'm going on a tangent.

Now here we are, 25 years from the first issue's release. As detailed in previous entries, I do have misgivings about what seems to be a misfire in a "shell-abration" (I hate that overused pun), but there are things that are looking quite gravy this year. Of especial note is that there are at least two TMNT video games coming out in 2009. The first of which is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up, a four-player platforming versus fighter by the guys that made Super Smash Bros. Brawl and former Team Ninja members (responsible for Ninja Gaiden and Dead or Alive). As of this writing, only the four Turtles and Splinter are confirmed as playable, but publisher Ubisoft promises "many surprises" in the roster, including ones that "the older fans" would enjoy. Here's to hoping that what they choose is satisfying....

The other game slated to release this year, on Xbox 360's "LIVE Arcade" service, and possibly Wii, is a remake of the classic game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, with 3D graphics. This game has actually, as of this time, still not been announced by Ubisoft, but was seen in playable demo form during some of the 25th anniversary festivities. The game seems to be based on the arcade version, as the Shredder masthead and Tokka as a boss in Skull & Crossbones would indicate.



Man... I can't tell if it's the game footage or the chicken fried rice that's making me salivate....

Anyway, even with things looking sort of bleak for the comic (if sales don't pick up by the year's end, it may go bye-bye), I'm going to still support the Turtles through everything. Hey, there's also a new movie coming in 2011, which will be here before we know it. Epic!

The Top 5 Sites That Have Impacted The Internet The Most

As a fraud analyst, I spend a lot of time on the internet. Too much time, in fact. Add the 10+ a day at work to the leisure surfing I do at home, and I probably spend close to 100 hours a week online. So naturally, I see a lot of websites. I've come across some of the coolest things the web has to offer, and some of the sickest. And porn. Lots and lots of freakin' porn. So I got to thinking... what are the top five websites that have shaped the way we use the internet? What ones does the average person think of when they think of the internet? Well, in interest of keeping this PG-13 rated, and because this list would probably be comprised primarily of such, I'm keeping all of the aforementioned porno out of this (although that's what people normally think of when they think of the internet, right? There's even a song about it...) So, without further ado, here are the top five I believe have impacted the "Intarwebz" the most:

5. Amazon

The only locally run website on this list (as in it was started in the same state in which I live), Amazon.com was launched in 1995 as primarily an online bookstore. Since then, they have started selling just about everything useful - in fact, I normally use it to order action figures, video games, and martial arts supplies. Using a revolutionary and patented checkout system, Amazon quickly became one of the places to shop online. By 2008, the site would draw 615,000,000 visitors annually. The site's layout and shopping system would impact nearly every e-commerce site in the world wide web.

4. eBay

Whereas Amazon is more like a department store or mall, eBay is an international auction block. Nearly anything that one is looking for (with obvious exceptions), can be found at eBay at some time. Similarly, eBay acquired the online payment company PayPal in 2002, which has the most widespread use of online payment at over 170 million user accounts.


3. MySpace

As much as it pains me to say this, MySpace is indeed one of the most influential websites of today. A relative newcomer, it was founded in 2003 and bought by News Corporation (parent company of Fox Broadcasting) in 2005. The reigning king of social networking sites, I actually fail to see its draw. Many sites had the same basic features before MySpace even came around (compare Friendster's launch in 2002 and hi5's existence a few scant months before MySpace came along) - and even those didn't interest me. Nevertheless, with well over 100 million users, it has become one of the fastest growing and most popular websites on the internet, serving as a source of social interaction, marketing, and publicity.


2. YouTube

Another newcomer to the 'net, YouTube started in 2005. The site had been around only a tad over a year before being bought by Google. Allowing users to upload their own video content, YouTube offers much to the world. The site is responsible for turning everyday people into celebrities - for better or for worse. And what other site could be responsible for turning one-hit wonder 80's singer Rick Astley into a household name (and common annoyance) in the 2000's?


1. Google

Although there are/were hundreds of search engines out there, none of them have been able to dominate Google. Google is now a synonym for utilizing a search engine, a feat that even its forerunner for Search Engine God, Yahoo!, couldn't produce back in its heyday (could you imagine Yahooing something, anyway? Sounds weird). Since then, Google has started and/or purchased such endeavors as YouTube (see #2), AdWords, GMail, Google Maps, Google Earth, Chrome, Orkut, and this very blogging service.

Honorable Mention
Wikipedia, which started the craze for user interfaced encyclopedias and information.

25 Years of TMNT... Makes Me Sad - Day 4

I apologize for not having updated in a week... I've had other things on my mind, believe it or not :p

So, after seven freakin' awesome seasons, the current Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TV series is ending. This Saturday is the final episode. That's it, finished, done, soon to be yesterday's news. Now, ordinarily, I wouldn't be too bothered - although I'll miss it terribly, it had an amazing run for a Saturday morning cartoon in this day and age - especially one produced in the US. However, considering that this is the 25th anniversary of the franchise, you'd think they'd go one more year at least, right? Guess not.

I don't know who the blame would go to for its cancellation; I've heard the blame being attached to different entities without absolute proof on who pulled the trigger, so until I can test for GSR, I'll just present the blame as "theories".

One theory is that 4Kids is trying to focus more on making crappy card game cartoons and importing anime. Quite plausible, since this Chaotic bullplop is one of the "big things" right now, despite having ludicrously retarded plotlines and the card game just being an amalgamated ripoff of its predecessors. In fact, whereas Back to the Sewer's animation and art style was watered down a wee bit, Chaotic's was pumped up. This is all retardedly annoying, as Back to the Sewer would still prove to pull in good ratings, and when they threw BttS against new episodes of Chaotic on opposing networks (CW4Kids and the now defunct 4KidsTV, respectively), TMNT was actually drawing higher ratings than Chaotic!

Another theory maintains that because Playmates was funding 1/3 of the show, Playmates dropped out of fronting the money, and Mirage and 4Kids couldn't support their portion of the show. This theory balances on the fact that Playmates at least partially blames the TV show for the lack of toy sales, or at least believes that the Turtles are unpopular because the figures aren't selling. However, this has less to do with any factors other than the fact that most of the figures these days are complete and utter rubbish! If Playmates would get their heads out of their asses and actually release some decent figures that people want to buy, this wouldn't be an issue! Not to mention the fact that they still have yet to release figures for Back to the Sewer... isn't it kind of counterproductive to release them after the show is over?

The final theory bouncing around is that Mirage, or at least the bigwigs over there, don't care. Again, this has merit, as you can see from my rant on Mirage themselves. This is further supported by the fact that when questioned about the show's cancellation, Peter Laird so much shrugged and said that it's not the end of the world if it goes off the air. While anyone would be a simpleton for thinking that the two events are equal, I hate how nonchalant Laird is about the issue. How can you not give a shit about the only reason anybody even knows your name?

Further confusing the matter, is that 4Kids' TMNT panel at the New York City Comic Con was called "TMNT Animation: 25 and Going Strong". All that's coming out (to our knowledge) after this final episode of Back to the Sewer, is a direct-to-DVD feature. How is it 'Going Strong' if the series had only two more episodes at that point?

The worst part is, there's so many plotlines still left unresolved. Admittedly, most of them are quite minor, but they still bug me quite a bit. Some that I can think of off of the top o' my noggin:
-What is the origin of Touch & Go's powers?
-Did Mr. Marlin actually die, or did he survive like in the comics?
-We saw that the giant, demonic, Lovecraftian monstrosity from The Darkness Within survived Leonardo's onslaught. What is it up to?
-What is Bishop's relationship to Agent Finn, and how did he become a monster?
-Is Rat King actually dead?
-How exactly does Ch'rell connect to the original Oroku Saki? Did he learn of the legend of The Shredder and simply fashion his earthbound life after him to strike fear into Japanese villagers? How did he obtain the Heart of Tengu, and thus gain control of the original Saki's Heralds?
-Are Hun and Garbageman really brothers (as indicated in an unreleased episode?)
-What happened to Cody's parents? The show has hinted that Darius did something to them, but it's never elaborated on....
-How did Darius gain control of the noble Inuwashi Gunjin?
-What happened with Darius and the Dark Turtles? Are they still after Cody and causing chaos in the 2100's?
-Who is Master Khan, and how did he gain control of the Foot Clan?
-Why is Stockman working for Hun and not with Bishop, as seen in Fast Forward?
-Why did Khan think that he had defeated the Turtles in the distant future seen in Tempus Fugit?
-Speaking of that distant future, how did Ch'rell and the original Oroku Saki return to battle with Cyber Shredder?

This is all just flippin' nuts. We've got a show that's ending when the franchise turns 25, all of these unanswered questions about it, both within the show and in real life... this isn't Sparta... it's just madness.

25 Years of TMNT... Makes Me Sad - Day 3

Today, we'll talk about one of the things the TMNT are most well known for - action figures. Not including the brief period of inactivity in the late 90's-early 2000's, TMNT action figures have been a mainstay of toy isles for twenty years. Toys have flown off shelves in certain years in record amounts, and the toys have helped make both Playmates and TMNT what they are today.

1988 saw the release of the first wave of figures - ten of 'em.



Years roll by, and after a couple of reboots, we get to where we are today. So what does the 25th anniversary have in store for us?



Oh yay. Every known hip-hop stereotype crammed onto a single figure. I can almost hear Sam Riegel screaming "GET BACK MOTHERF***ER, YOU DON'T KNOW ME LIKE THAT!" TMNT figures have always had zany, stupid variants like Crazy Clownin' Mike, Punk Don, and Bodacious Biker Leo. The only difference is that these figures were completely different sculpts from the originals. Donny D here? He's just the standard 2007 Movie Don with stuff glued to him and his teeth painted gold. Ugh. Just how much lazier can you get?



Pretty damn lazy, apparently. While Playmates has long made figures that weren't quite accurate to the shows, they've never been this... vomit inducing. You'd think that for the 25th anniversary, Playmates would actually attempt to get their figures that are actually in the show, sort of close to their cartoon appearances. And again, it's just a standard figure with crap glued to him. This looks like something an amateur customizer would come up with! What's the worst part, is these are supposed to represent Back to the Sewer. Playmates is releasing Cyber versions of all four Turtles, Shredder, Foot Ninja, and a build-a-figure Splinter - none of which have correct colours (Splinter's fur is freaking BLUE for Christ's sake!)... and all of which are reportedly "coming soon", despite the fact that the show is over in two weeks!

Toy companies have an unhealthy obsession with variants of the main character, and no more so than Playmates. The worst thing is, TMNT has four main characters, so when a wave of figures is ushered out, there's always the four Turtles and a bad guy or two - if that! The Alien Hunters figures were supposed to release with four villains, but in the US, only two of them were. The other two were released only in the UK, despite all four of them being openly advertised in all markets. The Sub-Sewer came and went last year (or, rather, came and went... directly to the clearance aisle), and the two villains planned - which actually made appearances in Back to the Sewer - never showed up.

Two years ago, Playmates jumped on the chibi-ish figure bandwagon and brought out a new line of Mini-Mutants (not to be confused with the Mighty Max-esque Mini-Mutants from the 90's). They did rather well... sadly, though, the market has been soiled with lame Turtles variants and the same villains over and over. Wave 1's villains consisted of Hun, Rat King, Triceraton, and Foot Tech Ninja. Last year's Extreme Sports wave consisted of Baxter Stockman, Jammerhead, Elite Foot, and Multi-Arm Shredder. Earlier this year, the Mini-Mutant villains consisted of Hun, Foot Tech Ninja, Elite Foot, and Shredder (which was a pack-in with a Mini-Mutants playset). What does the upcoming "SWAT" Mini-Mutant Turtles come with? Rat King, Hun, Foot Tech Ninja, and Shredder. See a pattern here? Not only that, there have been no allies in Mini-Mutants. In fact...

There have been no new ally figures OR female figures for almost two years. And besides the 25th anniversary re-releases (which I will get to in a minute), the only allies being released in the foreseeable future are - I am not making this up - two Splinter figures. And NO new female figures. The series has always been mostly about the Turtles vs. baddies, but their allies - Casey Jones, April O'Neil, Leatherhead, Miyamoto Usagi - have all been very well known as well. Sometimes it takes more than just four shellbacks to beat down wave after wave of Foot Ninja, street punks, aliens, evil mutants, and monsters. It's just sickening that Playmates has ignored the Turtles' friends for so long, and seemingly continue to do so.

Now let's get to one of the sort-of cool releases for the 25th anniversary. Playmates has selected thirteen figures from the original line - including all of the original "Ten back" figures, and is steadily releasing them in waves. This is perfect for the newer fan that isn't eBay savvy, or collectors that don't care what release of a figure they get, and don't want to pay out the butt for carded versions of some of these characters. I also think it would be neat to see the likes of Bebop and Rocksteady on shelves again (they've already released, but as of this writing, I haven't personally seen any of the 2009 releases).

In theory, this is a cool idea. However, there's a few things that I do have to gripe about. One of which, is the chosen box art. I like the idea of the 25th anniversary logo in the corner, and the big ol' character information sticker on front of the bubble, but that's about it. The card art looks like it was haphazardly patched together by a tenth-grader learning PhotoShop, and it's WAY too crowded. Ideally, if they were going to use the same art as was used initially, they should have at least cut the duties in half - one card art for the good guys, and one for the bad. Better yet, they should have had the original artist, if possible, draw ALL NEW card art in the same style. I miss the days when every card was unique. I also lament the absence of the famous Accessory and Portrait sections on the card's back. These were staples of the original line back in the day.

These suckers are selling like hotcakes all over the place, though, and hopefully not just through internet scalpers (who sell them at 2-3 times their MSRP). It is my hope that this persuades Playmates into re-releasing more figures from the old line, or, better yet, NEW figures based on the old line. They're already sort of doing that with the Old Toon DVD Season 7, but they're just downscaled versions of the original four Turtles. It's something, though....

The other line that is potentially exciting, is their Mirage Comics line. While not as awesome as NECA's line, they look to break Playmates' trappings of the other full-scaled figures we've seen over the past couple of years.

The Turtles themselves appear to be based on the later comics, while Shredder and the Foot are more in line with their original appearances - or at least, they would be, if the Foot were the right colours, and Shredder's helmet didn't look so retarded. Seriously, Playmates, if you're going to Shredder and Oroku Saki styles for your figures - USE ALTERNATE HEADS! Splinter looks neat, but I couldn't tell you which comic style he takes after. He looks more like Old Toon Splinter, if anything. If Playmates keeps going, this might be a worthwhile continuation for the line for them. As a matter of fact, Playmates, why don't you just do a TMNT universe line, where you release new figures from every universe? You'll literally have people tripping over themselves to buy them; I guarantee it 100%!

Now let's move onto NECA's offerings. NECA released the original four Turtles that mirrored their appearances in the first TMNT comic, and lit the world on fire. Retailers sold out quickly and for a while, you couldn't even find them without sacrificing your genitalia. Publications - both online and in print - were heralding this line as a runner for new toy line of the year. The design was near flawless, and for once, we had Turtles with articulation that fit a ninja.

Then something happened... after showing a preview of their April O'Neil figure at New York Comic Con 2008 and ones of Shredder, Foot Ninja, and Elite Foot at San Diego Comic Con 2008... NECA unfortunately maintained a radio silence with the outside world regarding the figures... including with Mirage themselves. Fans... were... LIVID. For the longest time, it looked as if these amazing-looking figures were going to never be released. When Playmates' own Mirage-based figures were unveiled, blame was going around that since Playmates felt that Mirage went behind their backs to get the NECA figures made, Playmates responded with their own comic-based figures, and NECA, feeling bullied, refused to release any more figures.

Finally, this year, at ToyFair 2009, NECA brought the above figures again, and indicated that they almost certainly were coming out this year. Their official excuse on the delay? They needed support in the UK, since the previous wave hadn't sold well there. That's a pretty lame excuse, if you ask me. They even openly admitted that the TMNT aren't on the whole, as popular there as back here in The Colonies; in fact, I'm wholly convinced that's the reason Playmates' TMNT figures aren't heading to shelves in Europe this year. But still, that's the official word, and however crappy as it may be, we've got to unfortunately take it at face value and thank God that there's a 98% chance we'll get our hands on them. Let's hope that a third wave is released before I have grandchildren.

Now see, out of all of the TMNT merchandising, the toys are the ones I have closest kinship to. But with the advent of some really crappy figures and/or planning out there, it's hard to weed out the good stuff. I miss the simple days, when although there were dozens of dorky Turtle variants, there were also legions of mutants to collect. Hell, the old figures even had many cool variants for the Turtles' enemies and allies, which is something that has been in short supply following the 2003 revival.

If Playmates wants to keep at the TMNT game - which as I said before, is the major reason anybody even knows who they are - they've got to step up their game. Put some more articulation in those damn things. I'm no articulation Nazi, but for the love of Christ, they're NINJA! They should be able to move at least a bit more, be able to have many different posing options, and at least be able to stand easily without having to place their feet in a very specific position. Hell, there are some figures, like Agent Bishop, that make me sad with their very existence due to the fact that such nimble characters are permanently locked in one stiff position.

Second of all, model them after how they were represented in the media they come from. The consumer shouldn't be forced to take an X-Acto Knife, Dremel tool, nail file, and paints to their action figures just to make them look right. It's maddening! Customizing action figures should be a hobby, not a necessity!

If you're looking for another toy line to model how you pad the TMNT line's cast, Playmates, look no further than Hasbro's Star Wars line. Not only do they have many different interesting variants of their central characters, without resulting to something as flat-out retarded as DJ Obi-Wan or Birthday Clown Luke, but they make figures for practically every character from every form of media. Many different generic soldier variants exist, and even a guy who is in one scene of one film for 3/13ths of a second and is only visible from the shoulders up in the back of a crowd shot has a chance of becoming a figure! But important characters from the series' past such as Lord Dregg, Ultimate Drako, Jagwar, Master Khan, and scads more, have been left in the dust. And for Heaven's sakes, Hasbro's CEO was named CEO of the year for 2008 by MarketWatch, because of the following:

How much do you consider the opinions of hardcore fans of the franchise when making decisions for the films?
GOLDNER: The hardcore fans are an integral part of the thought process. ...

Was there any particular fan feedback on the first "Transformers" that you took into account for the sequel?
GOLDNER: ... So what we did is, we focused in on some of those things that the fans told us from a very early stage that they wanted to see in the next movie...

But you guys are paying attention.
GOLDNER: Constantly. And I think what's great about our creative teams, our filmmaking teams is, they get it. They absolutely understand how to strike that balance, and they want to strike that balance and understand the core fan feedback. Because at the very heart, that's the thread that will hold the franchise together forever, if you'll honor that. And then of course, they also are great filmmakers and in their own right they also have the ability to reinvent the brand in a completely unexpected way.

That's right, they LISTEN to their fans. They don't set some braindead scab on customer service e-mail duty with robotic responses that don't equate to fans' concerns. They do this thing that more businesses should do, call "giving a crap". I'm not making Hasbro to be the second coming of Jesus in toy company form, especially since I don't even buy any of their product (other than Star Wars figures for my pops as gifts), but it seems they've got their act together! Don't listen to some tired old man's opinion of how a toy will sell because it's got "play value" - which includes attaching a weapon to a musical instrument. Listen to the people that are actually buying your product!


Another point I'd like to make, and this one to both Playmates and NECA, is that you need to start making Army Builder packs. Many of us like collecting the Foot Soldiers, Utroms, Triceratons, Turtlebots, and so forth en masse to indicate armies of these generic warriors. It can be an utter pain in the ass to track down enough of these to build an army with. Throw three in a window box with one accessory a piece, charge 2.5 times what you would for a standard figure, and you're golden!

That's enough ranting for one day... I've got work to finish up. I'll be back tomorrow with... something... cartoons, maybe. Peace with a feast in the Middle East, my brothas and sistas!

Sources:
Pictures: TMNT Official Website, Big Bad Toy Store, Toy News International, myself.
Hasbro CEO Excerpt: Roseangelo/Toyfare

25 Years of TMNT... Makes Me Sad - Day 2

Today, we'll take a look at the buggery brought forth by the house responsible for the TMNT, Mirage Studios. While I am eternally grateful for the minds and pens of Mirage for creating the Turtles and thus helping shape my life, I can't help but find fault with some of the ways business has been conducted there over the last few years.

A major lightning rod of hate in this matter is CEO Gary Richardson. I've read accounts - some firsthand - of shrewd business practices he's employed. While I'm far from a business expert, I have had some teaching in marketing and business structure, and some of the things he's done have stuck out like a sore thumb. His modus operandi seems to be hoarding cash to himself, and it's a fair assessment that he has never heard of the business model of "spending money to make money." There have been so many worthwhile projects that have been shipwrecked just because Mr. Richardson has chosen to line his own pockets with the dough that would have funded said projects. For example, Archie Comics wished to send Mirage the original art for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures comic series. All Mirage had to do was pay for the shipping. Gary nixed it, Archie destroyed the originals. A similar deal happened with Image. Mirage was going to reprint Volume 3 of the comic, which was run under Image's banner, in a trade paperback. Image just wanted a (as I hear, modest) fee for use of their characters and story. Obviously, paying for something in order to get what they want is out of the question, so that TPB was canceled.

Now, it isn't just these projects that are affected by Gary's decisions. From artist/writer Jim Lawson's weblog:

Yesterday the artists here were contacted by Gary on behalf of 4kids. 4kids is putting together a 25th anniversary animation special about the Turtles and they were wanting submissions from all the associated artists. This is the piece I did for that purpose.
I had to smile at the similarity to the recent Nobody cover. It seems when I get a composition in my head, I'll sometimes reuse it several times. Notice also, a few shared design elements.

Please allow me to rant a little here. This was done as a freebie. In this year, when Mirage is paying 7 figures to a company to advertise and promote the Turtles anniversary, I find it vaguely insulting that we, the artists of Mirage, are expected to do this stuff without pay. Why is this? I want to know, who else is working for free? What is it about artists, that the work they do, has a stigma of having no value? I'm not sure why this is- perhaps drawing is thought of as common, or they see it as being effortless. That Mirage itself has participated in this attitude, I find somewhat sad and more than a little ironic.

Now excuse me for a moment... the artists were refused pay for this? What sort of madness is it? As Mr. Lawson alludes to, Mirage is paying a cool million to the dunderheads at Peppercom to basically blunder their way through promotion, and they can't even make sure their own employees have bread on the table. It gets worse, though. As a comment on the same 'blog entry, writer Steve Murphy replied as such:

A million dollars to promote the anniversary... and last week we almost lost our life and disability insurance (thank goodness for technicalities) in order to save the company $9,500. per year.

That comment was later removed by an "administrator"... but we all know nothing is really gone, on the Internet... those haunting words live on. Really, how can you function as a company if you throw your employees to the curb. Richardson and Laird may not depend on the comics for income, but their writers and artists do. It's the same thing with insurance... how can you just out-and-out pull the rug out from underneath them?

Now, Mirage is a comics company. They also have done the licensing side of things since breaking off their partnership with Surge Licensing years back. But the primary reason for existence is for making comics. Now why would a comics company refuse to sell their books like everyone else does? By which, I mean that they use very little-to-no external advertising (thus resulting in low sales numbers), and refuse to sell outside of comic shops. Their excuse for selling only in comic shops is that they don't want to have to "deal with the returns", in other words, all of the issues that are shipped back to them because they don't sell. Again, a little bit of awareness is key to selling issues. Peppercom is doing this to an extent on the 25th anniversary site, and it's one of the few things that I think they're doing right, but it's pretty limited, seeing as how it's on one website that is hardly advertised in and of itself.

Now, Peter Laird is a man I have mixed feelings about. As he is the co-creator of the franchise, I feel incredibly indebted to him. And there are some great things he does still to this day that I like. However, I feel that his heart just isn't into the Turtles anymore, and he basically says 'whatever' to anything that comes to him regarding the license. I'm willing to bet that he lets Gary have free reign with whatever he wants just because he doesn't want to deal with it. Even on his own weblog, he seems to detail that he'd rather be riding his motorcycle or Segway than working - and that he sees working in the TMNT Empire as an obligation rather than an opportunity.

Laird's disinterest is extended in the comics themselves. He was working on the standard TMNT comic line, writing it while Lawson illustrated. In late 2006, Laird indicated he was taking some time off to catch up with other things with the franchise such as dealing with the 2007 movie, and would be returning to the comic after the movie's release. He returned in mid 2008 with a single issue. The issue was not sold in comic stores at all, but was instead available for free on the official site or a site called Wowio. If you wanted a legitimate, printed copy, Mirage had printed up a limited number of them for sale directly from them - only these copies cost $10 a piece. Lawson claimed that all of his work was done on issue 30 (the next one to come out) and he was already dealing with issue 31; it's just Laird's work that is holding the issue back.

Speaking of Lawson, Mirage seems to be fond of overworking him. Now, I personally am a fan of Lawson's earlier work, which caused the comic to carry a gritty, underground comic visage (as it should have), but some of the stuff he does today isn't half bad. Everything he does these days looks too geometric (a non-TMNT fanatic review of his recent work nicknamed him Jim "I Like To Draw Squares" Lawson), but it only looks terrible if he's being stretched too thin - for example, at different points, he was illustrating for three series (TMNT, Tales of the TMNT, and a Turtle-focused mini-series) simultaneously. This causes his work to go from "decent" to "I don't know what the Hell I'm looking at".

Tales of the TMNT is supposed to be showcasing not only stories from different points in the Turtles' lives, but also a veritable smörgåsbord of talent from up-and-coming writers and artists. However, by slapping Lawson into every other issue (or even, every so often, several issues in a row), they're bleeding him dry, as well as causing the series to get a tad bland. I've also seen instances in which, after the writer has showcased their idea on their blog, their submission for a story was rejected outright, and their story was good, very good - much better than some of the current stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love most of Tales, but there's some uninteresting drivel such as Circle of Darkness, Rocks, and Mined Games. True, this is subjective, but I've read work by Tristan Jones, Will Tupper, and Andrew Modeen that were rejected that were undeniably more whizz-bang and attention grabbing.

While we're on the subject of of rejected stories from Tristan Jones, he presented this beauty of a pitch for the TMNT Free Comic Book Day issue in May:

We open in another dimension (Caption: NOT Dimension X…), where the two massive brutes are being pursued by authorities in an intense car/other-dimensional-vehicle chase! Suddenly, a vortex starts opening in midair just ahead of them…

Cut to our world, where a Foot Mystic and a band of renegade Foot ninjas are trying to open up a portal to the Netherworld (to summon a demon to help them against the Turtles). Unfortunately, the mystic has misinterpreted one of the symbols in the spell used to open the portal correctly. A portal opens, but when the vehicle Bebop and Rocksteady had hi-jacked comes thundering out and pastes the mystic, it becomes very clear that it’s not the right one!

The rest of the Foot renegades scatter and Bebop and Rocksteady check out this strange new world they’ve stumbled into. They are massive too, at least twice the size of Leatherhead. A registered, costumed superhero flies down to try and stop the duo, but they pulverize him (in a comically brutal way, not to death, but there’s no way a normal human would be able to take it).

Cut to the Turtles’ lair, where Raph, Don and Mike are watching late night television (Leo is reading something). A sudden live news broadcast interrupts and reveals that Bebop and Rocksteady are tearing up midtown as police try and take them down.

After getting a call from April (who’s been caught in the midst of the carnage), they spring into action (they would be disguised somehow, either in gear similar to #36, or civilian clothing – long coats, etc.).

They pluck April out of the danger zone and get her to safety without being noticed, everyone seems too freaked out by the massive duo to care.
Mike notices that Karai and a band of her best warriors are on a nearby rooftop. They join her to try and find out what’s going on, and Karai reveals that a rogue mystic had recently stolen a tome from their archives containing spells/rituals that could supposedly open pathways to parallel dimensions. However, without the book they have no idea what spell/ritual was used, or how to send the two creatures back to where they came from. Don and Karai discuss their options and agree to try and come up with something together, but it means that Mike, Leo and Raph, along with the Foot warriors, will have to try and keep the dimension-hopping duo occupied.

As Mike, Leo and Raph fight Rocksteady and Bebop (taking a number of jabs at the old cartoon along the way), Karai and Don manage to put together a trans-dimensional portal using Leatherhead’s makeshift transmat device and various other bits and pieces Don has accumulated over the years. By channelling the mystic energies of a similar spell through the device, they are able to open a wormhole to another dimension (though not necessarily the one they came from).

The group lures Rocksteady and Bebop to the area above Leatherhead’s old lair (where the portal will open), but the two brutes realise they’re being herded towards a trap and start playing dirty. Don and Karai can only keep the portal open for a small amount of time, and with the brutes wise to the trap, the portal overloads the device that opened it.

At a loss for what to do, Mike suggests they call Renet, but none have any idea how to do that – considering she’s just appeared every time they’ve needed her. However, true to form, she does appear, having sensed a disturbingly large tremor in the space-time continuum. The guys fill her in, and Renet floats up towards Bebop and Rocksteady. She begins channeling her energies, chanting (similar to good ol’ Doctor Strange), but suddenly – WHAM! One of the monsters punches her into a building, sending the sceptre scattering off into an alley.

Don rushes to her aide while Raph, Leo, Mike and the Foot launch another assault on the pair. When it looks as though all is lost, Splinter suddenly arrives on the scene, standing quietly between the battle-weary warriors and the battle-ready monsters. The Turtles freak out, thinking Splinter has finally gone insane, and Bebop and Rocksteady find the situation hilarious. But Splinter has Renet’s sceptre!

Splinter mumbles something and suddenly the two are sucked into the sceptre itself!

With the city saved, Don returns with Renet. Karai tells them that she will help provide the funds to repair the damages caused in the chaos. (If you like the alternate ending, Mike could ask where Splinter sent them).

The turtles return home with their master, exhausted.

ALTERNATE ENDING (one final jab at the old cartoon):
We cut to find that Rocksteady and Bebop have been transported to a dusty, arid dimension, somewhat similar to the surface of Mars. They have been secured by hi-tech restraints and are being marched towards a gigantic construct by hulking soldiers who look similar to The Thing. They stop at the base of the construct, just in front of what appears to be large boarding ramp. “New prisoners for you my lord! We found them inside the forbidden zone.”
Bebop and Rocksteady look up, and we see a grotesquely obese Utrom, sitting in the torso cavity of a massive exosuit (think Obediah Stane’s “Iron Monger” suit compared to Tony Stark’s Iron Man suit). The Utrom grins: “Excellent!”

We zoom out for the final panel, revealing that the construct is disturbingly similar to a certain subterranean construct made famous by the old TMNT cartoons..

Since this is the Turtles' 25th anniversary, you'd think that this would be a great way of celebrating some of the franchise's lore, right? Unfortunately, it was passed on, to make way for... another reprint of TMNT #1. There's already something like four other ones coming out this year... sigh....

Needless to say, there's not a lot of bright spots on the horizon in the comics. Archie is re-releasing the TMNT Adventures mini-series in a trade with a boss new cover. Mirage is doling out a few trades - although, unfortunately, some of the most frequently requested (City At War, Volume 2, Volume 4) don't seem to be on the books. There are a lot more stories by the dynamic tag team of Tristan Jones and Paul Harmon - although that's not necessarily a 25th anniversary thing. And Mirage is slated to release a Mirage TMNT Universe character/canon guide in August. This is the item I'm most excited about, as it's something I've been wanting forever. It's a shame that it was delayed from December, but when it finally rolls around, it will be well worth it.

Dark days still lie ahead, my friends, as there is no confirmation that Tales of the TMNT will continue past 2009, and Christ is likely to show up for the Judgment before Laird finishes work on the next issue of Volume 4.

Keep it real, folks. Tomorrow, I'll bitch about the toys. Later.

25 Years of TMNT... Makes Me Sad - Day 1

2009 is the twenty-fifth anniversary of many different franchises, but most notably, at least to me, is that of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I guess you could consider me a TMNT fanatic - along with Bruce Lee, the TMNT are the reason I have interest in the martial arts. I also learned many life lessons from the original cartoon from the 1980s and '90's. So on the silver anniversary of the franchise, you would expect to see much elation, correct?

Unfortunately, this does not seem to be entirely the case. Although there are a few cool items and events in the pipeline for the good guys who always 'wear' green, a lot of it is complete and utter rubbish. As a matter of fact, there is evidence that the franchise as a whole is spinning around in a toilet right now.

Over the next few entries, I will detail the atrocities that will befall everyone's favourite anthropomorphic superhero team, as well as touch upon the things that I actually think are neat. It's just my little way of venting that the series that I've supported for pretty close to my entire life has kicked me in the metaphorical gonads.

Today's entry will deal with the least important transgression; Peppercom.

Peppercom is a Public Relations firm located primarily in New York. As a pitch ad for a chance to assist in the promotion of the 25th anniversary of TMNT, they created this intelligence rape:



Fortunately, while you can watch it, you can't hear it. Why? Because Youtube disabled the sound.

"This video contains an audio track that has not been authorized by WMG. The audio has been disabled."

That's right - they didn't even get permission to use the music from the original cartoon show in their pitch proposal. Now granted, this is pretty much more corporate copyright Nazi behaviour that is rampant throughout Youtube, but you'd think that someone who is officially doing work for Mirage would actually get permission, y'think?

But that isn't the point. The audio snafu is just something I came across today. What the point is, how mind-numbling stupid their "silly" proposal is. For one thing, this is a professional business. When you're trying to entice other businesses to utilize your services, you don't slap together some Godawful little video. It's so blatantly goofy that even the Turtles at their wackiest would commit seppuku in shame if they saw this. Furthermore, the production values are worse than a clip from a high school film class.

It's unfortunately not even just the TMNT video that fails. I've researched quite a few of their "promotional" videos, and every one of them stinks like a sweaty buttcrack. I couldn't even finish watching their psuedo-"attack" video; I was beginning to feel as if I was going to see my dinner again... all over my keyboard.

The 25th anniversary site they designed is just as laughable. It looks like it was handled by someone with rudimentary knowledge of HTML and Flash, and isn't even comprehensive. There are a lot important events that are left out of their timeline, and some of the Mirage Studios history is blatantly incorrect, for example. However, the site is starting to build some more interesting content, such as commercials for the old TMNT toys.

Possibly the most mindboggling effect of this is how the devil Mirage was won over by these yahoos. My guess is that it has to do with something that I'm going to elaborate on at a later date.

As I said before, this is but a minor violation. Hiring Peppercom is far from the least infuriating occurance to taint the brand this year. Keep your eyes posted here for more rants.

Watch me beat myself up

Technology scares me....

Well, there goes the cell

Today, inexplicably whilst sending off a text message, my first cell phone, which I have had since December of 2006, completely when kaput. I had just charged it last night, and I still have 80-some minutes on it. I had been looking to upgrade to a better model, but I wanted to wait until I had less minutes so I could just buy the upgrade and some minutes simultaneously. Oh well. So, for the time being, if anyone who has my cell number is reading this, I am not reachable via cell. Use my landline, e-mail, or whatever other methods you usually use to get a hold of me.